101 Comments
User's avatar
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

"Yes, the universe is real and it is here for you."

JACKPOT, right?

So there you have it. Everybody's been praying for another scientific breakthrough, like the global gender wage gap.

THE END

Expand full comment
finbob's avatar

"Of course it is. Everything around you is just another layer of my sticky slime."

Advertisement

Hail to the Cosmic Orb! Our new ruler. Overlord of all that is here and now, seen and unseen,

THE END

Expand full comment
Jon Auerbach's avatar

This one is great. Has a lot of Omicron Oersei 8 vibes.

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

The advertisement is for a cleaner that easily gets out those sticky slime stains.

Expand full comment
Wabi Sabi's avatar

"No, my good friend. There is no such thing as reality. Only fiction."

What?

"You are not in reality, you are an imagination. Whatever you think is real is reality."

Wow. You? A "imagination?"

THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

I'm certain this exact dialogue was in the new Matrix movie.

Expand full comment
Wabi Sabi's avatar

AI writers would explain a lot with that one

Expand full comment
Michael's avatar

I often feel as if I am a “imagination” but then I remember I’m multiple ones.

Expand full comment
Chevanne Scordinsky's avatar

"YES! Everything we see, touch, feel, hear, and think are all real, as is everything we don't see, touch, feel, hear, and think."

THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

This is the most comforting ending so far.

Expand full comment
Chevanne Scordinsky's avatar

I’ll thank you when I write the short story based off this.

Expand full comment
Cindy's avatar

Well, why do you care? It's completely meaningless. It's just some made-up idea that people built into their heads so that it would be a nice way to fill the void. THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

What a rude Orb!

Expand full comment
Spencer's avatar

"Is love real?"

The clouds grow darker as the ball of light gets closer. In what is literally a dream-like vision of the future, a black hole of death and loss invades your sweet meditation.

THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

Oh, cool, we've found the happiest ending.

Expand full comment
Jon Auerbach's avatar

"What the hell do you think it is?

Riddle me this, cosmic orb. If the universe is real, then you're real, which means me being real would seem like a really, really bad idea."

THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

The Orb is excited for the new Batman, apparently.

Expand full comment
Jon Auerbach's avatar

This is why Paul Dano had nightmares filming the movie.

Expand full comment
TankertonLatch's avatar

"Yes, the universe is real!" The Universe laughs, then responds to your other question.

"How do we get back to Earth?"

"Is this the same place we left?"

THE END

Cosmic Orb Will Return in "Dude, Where's My Universe?"

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

“Uh, dude. I thought YOU knew where Earth was...”

Expand full comment
Mando's avatar

Ummm, sure."

"Is there a God?"

"Ummmm, sure."

"Will we ever be able to reach it?"

"Ummmm, sure."

"Why is there all this pain and suffering?"

"Ummmm, sure."

"What is the meaning of life?"

"Ummmm, sure."

So there you have it. The universe may be real and you will be able to reach the Cosmic Orb in the future. As for that question, you'll have to keep trying to piece together your own meaning of life or whatever the hell you're trying to say to yourself about existence.

THE END

lol wow 😭

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

Out of all the endings, this one feels the most accurate, lol.

Expand full comment
Jay Rooney's avatar

"We're here, floating in the void of space. Tied to nothing. With no people to say our names. But we know."

Orb-truths

Now you know. Or, at least, you got a good enough answer to stop asking these questions.

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

#OrbTruths #TiedToNothing

Expand full comment
Io Netrunner's avatar

Well, my friend, all life in the universe is real. If you are not a god, nor do you believe in any god(s), then you are what I would call a "Real God."

THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

The Real God is the friend we made along the way.

Expand full comment
Alasdair's avatar

"Let's start with the basics. People say that the universe is here to help us, to look out for us, to guide us, to support us in our daily lives. But the universe is neither benevolent nor malicious."

THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

Huh.

Expand full comment
Alasdair's avatar

Very naturalistic of the orb, right?

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

Yeah, it gave me a lot to ponder.

Expand full comment
Jackie Dana's avatar

"YES. IT IS ALL REAL. YOU ARE TRUE TO THE COSMIC."

In a way, the Cosmic Orb is right. Just look around and tell me something isn't real. That's real, right there. That's happening

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

You know the Orb is telling the truth, because it speaks in all-caps.

Expand full comment
Jackie Dana's avatar

Yes, I was very comforted by that fact. You can always trust someone that types in all caps.

Expand full comment
Mando's avatar

New compliment alert: “you are true to the cosmic” very much slaps

Expand full comment
Dan Stout's avatar

"Is the universe real?" you ask the Cosmic Orb. In a booming and undeniably androgynous voice, it replies...

"The universe is real! The universe is real!"

What a day to be alive. I wouldn't mind being you right now.

Get Over Here

That was all it took for me to resign myself to the fact that the universe was real. I mean, look at it, right? So, yeah, it's legit. You can take this news to the bank, friends. "The universe is real" is probably the most mind-blowing thing a human can tell you.

THE END

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

I will gladly take that news to the bank. I'm sure the tellers would love to know!

Expand full comment
Michelle Opsahl's avatar

"If you come over here, I can prove it."

Listen, do you want to accept the omniscient knowledge that the universe is real? Or do you want to have one of those totally "I have no idea" experiences?

THE END

***

The choice is ours, I guess!

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

Haha, y'know, I'll take the Orb's word for it.

Expand full comment
Chris Greenbriar's avatar

"Is the universe real?" you ask the Cosmic Orb. In a booming and undeniably androgynous voice, it replies... "I am no more real than a piece of fluffy cat hair. All that stuff you hear about dimensions and the great cosmic ball of fire and things like that is just our own little fantasy world. Which makes you kind of an idiot, because in this thing called the universe, we have a Grand Canyon and a huge T. rex named Carl and an army of bears and a horse with a rocket powered backpack.

Expand full comment
Willa's avatar

Oh snap, i would love to meet Carl.

Expand full comment
Geoffrey Golden's avatar

But... but... cat hair is real, Orb. Cat hair is... *tearing up*

Expand full comment