GO! GO! ADVENTURER
A quick announcement before we get to the dueling kaiju.
Do you love weird 80s movies, tabletop roleplaying games, and… ME? If you answered “yes” to any/all/none of those, listen to Worst Movies Ever Played, a new podcast I’m co-hosting on Starburns Audio! Each week, my friends Brent, Patrick and I improvise a midnight movie with some dice, paper & pencils, and a Hollywood sound designer. In our first movie, “Suburban Sorcery: Mufflers and Magic,” I play a poor man’s Rodney Dangerfield who’s attacked by Satanic teens!
You are a giant monster trying to take a nap in the middle of Times Square. It was hard to get comfortable at first, but once you knocked over M&M World for leg room, you found that Hamilton: The Store made for a decent pillow.
Someone keeps shooting sharp pellets at your ears. It’s tiny humans. You flick them off into the LCD screens. The way they get electrocuted is pretty funny. Back to sleep. Then the humans return with tanks to fire larger pellets at you, so you grab a tank and twirl it on your finger. The other tanks turn around, intimidated by your showmanship. Alright, now for a nice nap… For real this time… Nothing’s gonna–
“RWRAAAAA!” screams Godzilla, as he vomits fire at King Kong a block away. You awaken to see the huge screeching ape throat punch the lizard. After wailing at them to keep it down several times, and throwing a double decker bus at them, you realize a decent night’s sleep depends on you shutting both their noisy monster asses up.
Part 1: Create your creature!
Use the mini-character sheet below to design your kaiju.
Name your monster and give them an elaborate backstory. (200 pages ought to do it.)
You have 10 Monster Points. Spread those points however you like between Strength and Stamina below (for example, Strength: 4, Stamina: 6), but you must have at least 1 point in each.
Hint: Put at least 3 Monster Points in Stamina. You’re gonna need it.
Tip: Copy and paste the character sheet into a text doc to keep track of your stats.
Choose your monster type. Each one has a special ability!
Monster Type: [Insectoid / Mutantoid / Bizarranoid]
Insectoid – Fly into the clouds during battle to catch your heinous breath. Recover +3 Stamina. Use once per battle.
Mutantoid – Flex your slimy misshapen muscles, pumping up your biceps. Add +2 to your attack. Use once per battle.
Bizarranoid – Spin around, firing rainbows and sparkles in the air. Opponent gets dazzled and loses their next attack. Use once per battle.
Part 2: Choose your first opponent!
BONUS: Email me your character sheet as a PDF for +1 Monster Points to your Strength or Stamina. I wanna read ‘em!
MENTIONS & MINOTAURS
Here are tweets with the hashtag #AdventureSnack (or @geoffreygolden), proudly displayed on the refrigerator that is this newsletter!
He who saves the dog, names the dog. Those are the rules.
Geoffrey Golden @geoffreygoldenEscape the Maze of the MANotaur From https://t.co/UrFsbEdXPE  You’re an Athenian prisoner of war, captured by your Spartan enemies, so yeah. You’ve had better days. Will you escape your labyrinthian prison, or encounter the murderous, self-entitled MANOTAUR? Go to  👇 https://t.co/SmafuPK75w
I wish I could buy stamina points at the grocery store. That, along with a handful of dexterity, maybe a bag of charisma, and I’d be good to go.
Not a subscriber yet? Play Adventure Snack for free and turn your inbox into an adventure!
The header art was designed by catalyststuff.