Hacking the Pentagram

Are you ready to log onto a real hell site?

Happy Hack-o-ween! This is Adventure Snack, the email game that turns your inbox into an adventure. Our subscribers are the l33t3st of haxors! If you’re not already subscribed, hit the big red button below.

In honor of today’s high tech subject matter, this Adventure Snack is the first to feature a cutting edge multimedia element. It’s called an “animation GIF” (pronounced “guhh-iff”) and I think you’ll really dig the effect!

You type furiously on your keyboard. The green from the terminal screen fills your eyes. Mountain Goo – a carbonated, sludge-textured “super beverage” – fills your stomach.

In just a few keystrokes, your hacker collective VirtuaDudes have decrypted all the passcodes for a secret government server. You enter a passcode into the waiting prompt: “S0n1cRul3z.” Instantly, you’re granted access to thousands of files. It’s a treasure trove of highly classified state secrets, nuclear weapon blueprints, and cracked shareware gamez.

“Yes!” you shout to yourself in your bedroom, when you discover they have Snood.

Suddenly, the green interface turns blood red. The boombox in your room plays “Firestarter” by The Prodigy, but you don’t own their CD. Your screen is set ablaze with animated flame GIFs.

Line by line, the ASCII head of Satan, the Lord of Darkness, is rendered onto your screen! The devil laughs in a slow, choppy way and speaks to you in a low baritone through highly compressed WAV files.

“Foolish mortal!” Satan bellows. “You have somehow mistakenly hacked into my server of ultimate doom and despair, Underworld Warez & Pornz BBS. Maybe you dialed the wrong number? Anyway, I will now upload your soul to my server at 28000 bps! Wuahahaha!”

What will you do?

• Ask if this is your hacker buddy Chaos Megacharge pranking you.

• Tell Satan you want to become one of his “Four Hackmen of the Apocalypse.”

If you want to challenge Satan to a hacking contest for your soul…

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