Train Your First Space Wizard

Will he turn evil or get shredded abs?


Normally I look forward to writing emails in January, because you can open with “Happy New Year!” What a nice, friendly, season-appropriate way to start an email. But I cut that shit out quickly in 2021. I guess I could write it like, “Happy (?) New Year,” or “Happy Surviving Another Week,” or “Time Passage Acknowledged,” but it’s just not the same.

I’ll tell you what I was looking forward to even more, and that’s starting up Adventure Snack again. Thank you for the kind words you left in our annual reader survey! If you missed the survey last month, it’s not too late to fill it out. I’m keeping the form open for another week. Help me make Adventure Snack more fun and entertaining for you. Just 7 questions and you’ll get a digital gift as a thank you.

Take the Reader Survey

This snack was inspired by responders saying they loved the sci-fi genre. I’ll share more results next newsletter.

You are an energetic, tentacled blue trainer at StarPumpers Gym and Wellness Casino. This is where young space warriors come to pump up, self-actualize, and grow into the best galactic heroes they can be – for only 80 credits per month (with 200 credit per year equipment destruction insurance and 3000 credit early cancellation fee – additional fees, taxes, and space tariffs may apply).

On your first day at StarPumpers, a young man with a bright red eye, jet black cloak, and nifty scar across his face strides through the gym. This is Stellar Artois, your new client. He flashes you a smooth, toothy smile.

“Can you turn me into a legendary space wizard?” Stellar asks.

“That depends on what you can do,” you reply, “and how much you’re willing to spend on anti-grav supplement powder.”

Stellar turns his back to you and raises his arms. The sunlit room turns crimson. Two dudes sparring with light swords drop them in horror as they spark and catch fire. A slot machine called Weight Winners spews credits. A smoothie cup erupts, covering the gym in glowing protein goo. Stellar lowers his arms and all returns to normal.

You look up at a sign on the wall that says, “We do not to train evil space wizards. Evil is strictly prohibited at StarPumpers.” Stellar turns to you expecting an answer, his red eye glowing.

What would you like to do?

If you would like to train Stellar Artois: What was your New Year's Resolution this year?


Tweet with the hashtag #AdventureSnack (or @geoffreygolden) and your tweet could end up here, on the right side of history.

And welcome to all the awesome new players who joined us when Ryan shared it! We are now officially somewhat bigger.

I was on my friend Grant’s podcast talking about Adventure Snack and our favorite Mario games. I’m a Galaxy man myself, even though, unlike some games in the series, it won’t help you design a sweater.

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Geoffrey Golden is a narrative designer for video games. He’s written for Capcom, Ubisoft, Square Enix, and indie studios around the world.

Part of the header was designed by pch.vector / Freepik.