Warp Speed Makes You Nauseous!
Strap in for a sickening voyage.
GREETINGS, ADVENTURER!
Today’s quest will take you to the outer limits of what’s possible for your stomach. When your quest is complete, join your fellow adventurers on the bridge for a Table Talk amongst the stars. And I’ve got a whole universe of free games and books for you. Tally ho!
TODAY’S QUEST:
You are the stressed out captain of the Starship Hiyabuddie. Your ship is under attack by tricky Zibblin assassins. They're impossible to hit with laser cannon fire. The Zibblins and their ships are nearly two dimensional, so they can dodge fire and radar detection just by rotating to become extremely thin.
Zibblin fire is blasting your peacekeeping vessel! Your energy shields are deteriorating! Your oil paintings are jostling off the walls! And to make matters worse, your crew in the Helm Room are staring at you so expectantly.
"We need to engage warp speed," the sparkly-haired Navigator Valezia respectfully screams. But lately warp speed has made you extremely nauseous. It didn't always, but as you get older, something about going faster than light makes you want to blow space chunks. Protocol says that a captain who vomits in front of their crew must be publicly shamed, forced to walk around naked in front of both their crew and the Council of Creepy Elders. But if the ship gets blown up, that would mean no more life for you! Like, at all!
"CAPTAIN, THE CREW IS AWAITING YOUR COURAGEOUS, HEALTHY ORDERS," exclaims printer droid HP-8720 in an urgent monotone.
What would you like to do?
If you'd like to engage warp speed, how often do you experience motion sickness?
🍟 Hungry for another Snack? Play the first voyage of the Starship Hiyabuddie, The Slime Mouth Predicament.
LET’S CHAT!
When your quest is complete, it’s time to debrief. Join your fellow adventurers at the virtual D&D table we call the comments section. Be sure to take notes on your character sheet.
Today’s topics of discussion:
🤢 Did you risk death to save face? Or make the ultimate spew sacrifice?
🚀 What position would you want on a spaceship? I think I’d be a good space bartender. I’m an excellent listener, I can come up with funny space names for drinks (Mai Tai Fighter – DONE!), and I know next to nothing about math or science.
🩺 What do you do to stay healthy? Joke answers are welcomed and encouraged.
Share your thoughts in the comments (or email a reply if you’re shy).
A SMORGASBURG OF DIGITAL GOODIES
I have so much free and nearly-free digital media to hook you up with!
The game industry is stepping up to the plate to raise money for worthy causes with incredible bundles. These bundles contain hundreds of indie games, comics, soundtracks, and more!
Doctors Without Borders Megabundle – Last year, I released a sports comedy D&D adventure called Target Run. Now you can get Target Run and 29 other awesome D&D supplements as a bundle for humanitarian aid in Ukraine!
Stand with Ukraine – Humble Bundle has put together a phenomenal collection of games to support Ukraine, including indie favorites like Slay the Spire, Pikuniku, Superhot, and Wandersong.
TTRPGs for Trans Rights in Texas – Includes ~500 tabletop roleplaying games to combat the Texas governor’s assault on trans rights.
I have personal connections to all these bundles. Top of mind right now is that I write remotely for a Ukrainian game studio. Some of my colleagues are fleeing their homes for safety, while others are braving out the conflict. I keep hoping for their safety and a quick end to the fighting, so they can rebuild their beloved country. If you can afford it, purchasing these bundles is a fun way to help worthy causes.
Speaking of colleagues, I recently completed a month-long workshop called Substack Go, where I met some amazing and talented fellow newsletter writers. A lot of their work is funny, nerdy, and in the realm of fiction, so I figured you’d dig ‘em. I’ll introduce you to their newsletters in their own words…
ARC Worlds: “An epic urban fantasy featuring magic, myth, and mayhem in NYC and beyond”
Realms of Roush: “Escape the real world for a better one…”
Memie’s Universe: “Chuckles delivered to your inbox”
Betje’s Comics: “Auto bio comics from a mother who loves cheese and also cares about climate change.”
The Story Birds: “A newsletter for lovers of story.”
The Mad Quill Mailer: “Creator insights around comic books and long-form fantasy fiction from Mike Connell.”
Give Them Romance: “Where Latinx characters and romantic fiction meet.”
Blind Chameleons: “The house's specialty is serials, but we also have chronicles, short stories and poems.” (Written in Portuguese.)
Finally, if you’re looking for a new fantasy novel to take you far away from our dumb reality, check out Defeat the Dragon. There are tons of indie authors in this promotion giving away sword and sorcery eBooks. You don’t need magic to fill-up your Kindle…
IF YOU READ A LOT OF SUBSTACKS…
I’m subscribed to a number of Substack newsletters, like this one. Lately I’ve been reading them all on Substack’s new mobile app. The app is a smooth reading experience, makes it easier to comment, and my posts don’t get lost to overzealous spam filters.
The Substack app is currently available for iOS. If you have an Android phone, you can join their waitlist here.
FIRST TIME HERE?
Adventure Snack is a game series I email to subscribers. Play Adventure Snack for free and turn your inbox into an adventure!
I’m a narrative designer for video games. I’ve written for Capcom, Ubisoft, Square Enix, and indie studios around the world. Follow me @geoffreygolden on Twitter.
To stay healthy, I’ve been running three times a week for a few years now. When I first attempted to run, after living a couch / couch-adjacent life, I failed miserably. I got exhausted in, like, 20 seconds and quit. What worked for me was an app called C25K, which tricked my body into thinking I could run by asking me to run first in small bursts, then in longer and longer bursts, until I could actually do it. The thing I like most about running is that it gives me a chance to catch up on podcasts.
I’m a chicken. I value life over dignity. So I ordered warp speed and (thankfully) managed to keep it together, although I did puke in private. Anyway, I lived and kept my captain gig!
As for staying healthy, I’m a big fan of long (6 miles or more) walks up hill. I also do yoga (badly).
Job on a space ship? Oh man, I was gonna say bartender too! Since that job is taken, I’m going with stowaway. The only other job I’m qualified for is red shirt, and like I said, I’m chicken. 🐓