Your Phone Starts Working Post-Apocalypse
Swipe right just to survive.
THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT, ADVENTURER!
Today’s quest is all about cell phones, which gave rise to one of my favorite film tropes. Because what are the two most dreaded words in any movie? “No bars.” No calling for help. No texting a friend. No Domino’s Pizza Tracker! The cell phone signal coverage map of the United States in horror movies would be, like, six dots at most. Petition to put up a cell tower at Camp Crystal Lake!
📱 Which is better: iPhone or Android? Reply to this email and let me know what you think! I’ve used Apple products all my life, including this beige bad boy.
It’s been three years since the catastrophic event you call “The Great Uh-Oh.” In that time, you’ve been urban exploring in abandoned cities like this one. You walk down the empty streets, jotting down notes on your phone like, “I guess a JC Penney would look spooky after being abandoned for three years” and “Wow, those raccoons won’t let me anywhere near their grocery store dumpster!”
Your phone bings. It hasn’t done that in years. You look at the screen, astonished. There's a system update available. The internet is back?! You jump for joy, pumping your iPhone-clenching fist in the air! But after you land, you notice your phone dropped a bar. In a panic, you rush back to the exact spot you were in, but the lost bar remains lost. Unfair!
This internet connection could die at any moment. Will it last through an entire system update? But what if the system update is the key to reconnecting with human civilization? This could be the most significant thing you do in your entire life. No pressure.
What would you like to do?
To install the system update, look at your phone. What is your cell phone’s current signal strength?
MENTIONS & MINOTAURS
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Trust Max Cage! For one, “Max Cage” is a total badass wrestler name.
Great job, Matt! Rub your victory in Pimpledump’s gross face.
Thanks for playing, Jos! [Randy Newman voice] 🎶 You’ve got a friend in space…
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I’m a narrative designer for video games. I’ve written for Capcom, Ubisoft, Square Enix, and indie studios around the world. Follow me @geoffreygolden on Twitter.