Your Sword Is Long and Impractical

Slay a beast with an unwieldable weapon.

GREETINGS, ADVENTURER!

Today’s quest will put your sword skills to the test. Can you overcome a blunder with your blade selection? Then we’ll debut a new recurring feature of Andventure Snack and breakdown the player survey results. Read to the end for a book bonanza. Tally-ho!

TODAY’S QUEST:

You are a lone warrior scouring the sunny countryside for adventure and treasure. Slowly. Over your shoulder, you're using both hands to pull a shockingly large and heavy sword. Nine feet long, 199 lbs, and made from iron stolen from 9 different dragon caves, this sword's a perfect "9" in your book. You had the sword’s intimidating name inscribed on the handle: “Killfinger.”

In the sky, an eagle with an enormous wingspan circles overhead. You can't help but notice its impressive horse legs and genitals blowing through the wind. The hippogriff lets out a bellowing "neighhhh" as it swoops down in front of you, foaming at the beak, pecking toward you. You have the sword of your dreams. Can you wield it?

What would you like to do?

• Leave the sword and run!

• Let the hippogriff smell your hand.

If you'd like to fight the hippogriff, look around you. How many objects do you see that likely weigh over 100 lbs?

• 2 or Less

• 3 to 5

• 6 or More

NEW FEATURE:

If you’ve ever played D&D before, you know role-playing is only half the fun. The other half is chatting with buds while eating snacks from the local gas station! Join your fellow adventurers for Table Talk in the comments section for banter of epic proportions.

Today’s topics of discussion:

🦅 How did you fare against this fantastic fowl, the hippogriff?

⚔️ Which sword would you rather wield: King Arthur’s Excalibur or any Star Wars lightsaber? (Yes, even the weird ones that are actually, like, six lightsabers taped together.)

🎁 Get anything rad for Christmas?

Let me know in the comments (or email a reply if you’re shy).

PLAYER SURVEY RESULTS

Thank you to all the adventurers who took the 2021 player survey. All your encouragement filled this ancient millennial’s heart with joy and excitement. Here are some stray thoughts about what y’all had to say…

• Overall, you gave Adventure Snack a 4.5 out of 5. Ayyy, I’m blushin’ over here!

• Congrats to adventurer Max Cage, who won the eBay prize! Huzzah!

• Most of you didn’t know you could comment on games. Yeah, I agree that a tiny little gray word balloon icon at the top of emails doesn’t exactly scream “click me.” So I added the Table Talk section above to encourage more of a “players around a table” vibe. Meet your fellow adventurers! Brag about your hippogriff slaughtering skills! We’re on this journey together.

• Most of you would be psyched to play an Adventure Snack text adventure game! I’ll have more details later this year, but know that I’ve got something in the works for you. PICKUP DUNGEON KEY.

• Most of you do not want to hear an Adventure Snack podcast! Yeah, I’ve got too many pods in my queue, too. There aren’t enough hours in the day to sit down and listen to all the ads for virtual therapy subscriptions.

• If you wrote me a question hoping to get a response, unfortunately the surveys were anonymous. So email me those questions, adventurers.

• A few of my favorite comments: “YOU ROCK!!!,” “it genuinely is a treat to find it in my inbox!,” “you've found a way to give the CYOA feel to a newsletter,” and “thanks for these little bundles of joy!” Seriously, thank you for playing and letting me know how much you love the game. It means the world to me.

EXTRA TREASURE!

Want some more free books from indie authors to read? I’m participating in an Unlimited Reading book bundle this month. The selection includes lots of sci-fi and fantasy titles, a book about a surfing dog, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, and tons of ripped shirtless dudes. Abs for days, adventurers!

FIRST TIME HERE?

Adventure Snack is a game series I email to subscribers. Play Adventure Snack for free and turn your inbox into an adventure!

I’m a narrative designer for video games. I’ve written for Capcom, Ubisoft, Square Enix, and indie studios around the world. Follow me @geoffreygolden on Twitter.