You're the Blob's Personal Assistant

How will you handle your slimy boss?

GREETINGS, ADVENTURER!

Today’s Quest: Your boss sucks. What are you gonna goo? Once you figure that out, join your fellow adventurers for a bad boss bitch sesh, plus an update on my midlife crisis!

Scheduling Note: I’m taking a summer break and will have new quests in your inbox August 10th. More details on my maxing and relaxing below. 🌞

First time here? Adventure Snack is a game series I email to subscribers. Play quests for free, twice a month, and turn your inbox into an adventure!

TODAY’S QUEST…

You unearthed an ancient ooze from your backyard while digging up a childhood time capsule. The gooey creature was sustaining itself on the Fruit by the Foots and juicy Gushers you buried below the earth’s surface. Once unleashed, the wiggly, green glow-in-the-dark monster became a viral sensation and now a highly sought after entertainment brand.

The 20 foot tall goo absorbed you into its life as its personal assistant. You thought it would be kind of glamorous working for a celebrity. You were very, very wrong.

In bed, you are awoken by a phone call at 4 am. It's Blob. Shit.

LET’S CHAT!

When your quest is complete, it’s time to debrief. Join your fellow adventurers at the virtual game table we call the comments section. If this quest immediately reminded you of Drink a Gelatinous Cube, give yourself +100 points. What can I say? I’m a slime guy!

Discuss one (or all) of today’s topics in the comments:

🧪 Did you curry the favor of your blob boss or try to destroy the creature?

👿 Have you ever had a nightmare boss? I worked for two different companies with crooked CEOs. One embezzled funds from the company, leading to a schism where half the employees left. The other company was National Lampoon, where I was an assistant editor for their website in the mid-aughts. After I left, CEO Dan Laikin was sentenced to nearly 4 years in prison for inflating the company stock price. He was replaced by Tim Durham, who was sentenced to 50 years in prison for running a $216 million ponzi scheme. Sadly, the perpetrators of Dorm Daze are still at large.

🧟 Who’s your favorite b-tier horror monster? I’m going with the wise-cracking Ghoulies, who went to college on a toilet scholarship. Proud of y’all. (Ghoulies Fact: One of them is voiced by Richard Kind!)

✍️ Bonus Challenge (+50 Points): Forget quiet quitting. Come up with a unique way to “loud quit” your job. For example, you could give your boss one of those surprise balls where you unwrap a long ribbon to reveal little toys, only you put in there a middle finger keychain, a tiny fake vomit eraser, and a resignation letter folded into an origami butt.

🌟 Challenge Winners: In the last Table Talk, adventurer and guest designer

William F. Edwards

earned 50 points for becoming a food mascot..

“I'm Will the cookie hog, a warthog who likes chocolate chip cookies.” –William

Don’t worry. As long as we have plenty of cookies, and Will’s not a deadly mutant hog, we should all be fine!

I MADE MY MIDLIFE CRISIS PURCHASE!!!

🕹️ I own an arcade cabinet! The dream, baby!

I have no desire to buy a red convertible, dive off an 80 foot cliff, or get a tattoo of a dragon across my chest with a banner that reads, “New Beginnings.” But ever since I was a kid, my McWorld fantasy was to have an arcade cabinet in my living room, and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

The cabinet was custom built by Arcade86 in Los Angeles. My wife and I decided on a classic Vaporwave theme with a timeless T-Rex wearing sunglasses on the side. “Relaxatorium” is what my partner and I jokingly nicknamed our home, so we thought it was a fitting name for the machine. Relaxatorium is powered by a RetroPie system filled with thousands of vintage arcade games, many of which work! (Emulation has its challenges.) Though I’ve been playing a lot of Bust-a-Move and Centipede, I was thrilled to discover I have a game called Uncle Poo.

So, I’ll be taking a break from Adventure Snack in July to spend quality time with my new best friend. But also, I’m going on a trip to the nerd promised land…

🦸‍♀️ San Diego Comic-Con! I used to go to SDCC annually, until we entered The Plague Years™. My favorite things to do there are see my convention friends, buy cheap animation cels, get free swag to throw out later, and speak on panels.

This year, I was selected to host a panel on making your first video game! I’ll be guiding an audience through how to make text games using Ink and my friend Spencer Yip, creative director of the Fallen Legion series, will offer resources for where to source stuff like graphics and music. The programmers are still working on the schedule, so I’ll send out a short update with the date and time in a few weeks. I’d love to meet you in person in the sweatiest place on earth!